"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer."
-George S. Patton
As most of you probably already know, I lost my precious Buddy Boo last month and it threw me into a tailspin of rage and grief that I could not have imagined. It was a senseless way to lose him, on behalf of cruel minded people that I became a victim to. What made it worse was that it came on the heels of losing my mom and I did just not have the usual resilience, which is the trademark of my personal character.
I had no idea what to do with my feelings. My heart was truly broken, I curled up in a ball and cried for days until I could not cry anymore. Since I am usually good at bucking up and facing things, it was foreign to me not to be able to hold it together for any sustained period of time.
In my mind, I was broken down.
I could not begin to imagine what it would be like for a parent to lose a child, I began to think of all of those people I have met or read about who faced unimaginable sorrow.
Within a few weeks, something else happened. I became afraid to leave my home. I became afraid to leave my animals in the care of even good and dependable people. I had developed a phobia about leaving town, leaving the ranch. The irony of this is what I do for a living. I help people overcome fears and phobias, yet here I was, afraid to leave.
I had been traumatized and didn’t know what could result from it.
This went on for about two weeks; the tears, the fear, the grief and anger. Anyone that told me to get over it or 'man up' was immediately dismissed. I wrote the book on heartbreak, I know how to transition folks from one place to another and there is a process. I was curled up in a ball and asked God to take my pain, take it as soon as possible so I could feel normal again.
But then I realized, for the turn of events I had just experienced, that this was normal.
You can’t rush the process, when the process is feeling your feelings so completely, so painfully, not running from, but leaning IN to them. It’s about getting out of your THINKING mind and into your feelings, and eventually you will come out the other side.
For those who follow me on social media, you saw my rage and hurt play out publicly. Much to my husband’s wisdom he did not once say, "aw honey don’t do that" even though the people who traumatized me were family members. They had shown so much irresponsibility for so many years, and eventually I became the victim of their cruelty. He did not bring his emotions into it, but looked at what had happened and what was right. He looked at what I needed to do, and was man enough to not try to fix me, but stand back and let me heal.
I had a trip coming up to Los Angeles, and I kept putting it off, my fear was bigger than my desire. I was feeding my fear and missing out on life and potential fun, which is what we need when we are coming out of the other end of something that’s big to us.
I kept putting the trip off, then one day, I got up, took a breath, took a leap of faith and believed the good people in charge would do everything they could to batten down the hatches and love on my babies as I do, then got in the car.
I am writing this from my hotel room. And something magical happened yesterday, 15 minutes after I pulled into town. After a long drive, I had not booked a hotel, and was overwhelmed by traffic. I pulled over on the side of the road to take a breath.
It was not a neighborhood I am familiar with. When I pulled over, I looked to the right and there was a store window full of beautiful bohemian clothing, which I mainly wear.
After four hours of driving, I decided to get out of the car, stretch my legs, and look in the window. I then decided to go inside and take my mind off of my stress. When the owner of the store walked up to me, we both almost fell over. It was a girl I knew in New York who was just starting out on her designing career, and I had not known where she disappeared to; the last time I saw her was in 1997! She was straight from Sweden when I met her, very quiet, very kind.
So as it turns out, she had moved to Los Angeles and became a great and very well known designer, and I, ended up in her store in a most unlikely scenario.
We almost cried at the sight of each other. I laughed, I loved, I tried on clothes, we talked about love, life, hurts, endings, and beginnings. I felt myself start to really come back to life. I said, "we have to take a picture!" because I wanted that defining moment of healing to be on record.
Immediately after that I went to my mother-in-laws house, who I had wanted to see, but not in the shape I was in. I didn’t want to be a bummer. I burst into her bedroom, all smiles (for real) and by the look on her face, she was so happy to see me. I felt another moment of healing. We sat and talked about Elizabeth Taylor’s clothing items that are coming up for auction next week, and looked at all the pictures in the auction catalog and she told me great stories that only Debbie Reynolds can tell.
The moral of this story?
Great women are really healing. Great girls are fun. Great girl friends know how to love. They know to not try and "fix" us, but to just be there for us until we put ourselves back together. Women can be the best. We are the best.
Thank you all for being my girls. I love my clients and customers, you are so much more than that to me. You are my FRIENDS.
If you are going through a rough time, feel your feelings for as long as you can take it, and then do something fun. Find your best girlfriends, and push yourself forward. Because you, are a super hero!
Love For sure,