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Happy Valentines Month!
Love is a state of confusion in which the victim can not distinguish between spiritual aspiration, carnal desire, and pride of ownership ---Toulouse-Lautrec From the movie Moulin Rouge
If you know me at all, you know that I am big on words. Words matter. Our words have the power to create Heaven or Hell. They can inspire us to greatness or sink us into despair. Even if we think we are trying to help or love someone, we can hurt them terribly without ever meaning or intending to with the words we say.
Whether we know it or not, we are constantly programming each other. That is especially true if we are parents, teachers, guides, husbands, or wives. Why? Because these are the people whom others put their trust in, the people who are looked up to. It is just as important to learn to master words as well as learn to reject that which does not feel true to us when we check within.
We do not always have to receive everything people say to us. When I was a little girl, people used to tell me all the time that I was an extraordinarily affectionate and loving child. So much so, some even thought my capacity for joy was other-worldly. I didn't know the difference. I thought everyone felt and thought the way I did about love. It wasn't until I stumbled into my adult life and discovered that love does not always look, feel, or move as I had expected it to. I do not blame others for this. I chose situations based on my limited knowledge of what intimate love was. I was playing out unfinished business of which I was not consciously aware. Coming from a very broken home at an extremely early age, I had no model for what a whole relationship looked like. I didn’t know what I didn't know. It was no one’s fault. People really are doing their best as they know it. It simply was.
I am a lover. I am a lover of life, of people, and above all, of God. I get excited about the smallest of things because they are most often the biggest things. I am as simple as I am complicated. I cry at movies, at the injustices of life, but most of all, I cry out of pure joy. My mother loves me like crazy, and it's mutual. And even so, I know she meant well when after watching me go through a few very heart breaking times in my life, she said "Honey, I don't want you to be disappointed if you never find someone like you. Not many people know how to give love, to adore, to honor." I understood her, and knew she said it in earnest. I promised I would not disappoint myself anymore, either. After my marriage ended, I went through a few exhausting and very short lived "relationships." I finally woke up and realized that the person I needed to spend time with the most, was myself and the Lord, My God. As many of you know, I decided to take a year off from dating, in any way, shape or form. Greatest year you could imagine. I used that time to reframe my thinking, my environment, my career, and my heart. I liked it so much, a year turned into 13 month 14 months, 15 months. During this time, I declared my "love bucket" list. In that time, I discovered, and declared what I wanted if I was to ever be in a relationship that was made of real love and real intimacy. I would accept nothing less. Not only that, I would give nothing less.
Faith is a tangible substance. As I exercised my Faith through my words, I loosened my grip on my thoughts of it. I did not attach myself to the outcome, rather I just decided to imagine the possibilities, confess it to a friend and be done with it. That was three months ago.
Then something wonderful happened. I met a tremendous man. Someone I saw across my church 28 years ago. Someone, who like me, has lived a few lifetimes since then and not only that, lived a life I admired. The best part of all is that somehow he found me. I am a willing participant on this journey, and I welcome to see where we may go. In other words I am living the possibilities.
He said something the other day that really made sense, and I will share it with you.
"Until you know exactly what you want, don’t even bother shopping, or you’ll end up with a lot of stuff you don’t need, or even want." Now those are words to live by. I couldn't have said it better.. but, what I did say in my last inspiration was "I declare 2010 to be the year of LOVE and HOPE."
Wow. That was fast :)
Blessings,
Cat
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